27 Oct 2020

 Dear Lord,

Here I am again. It's been how many days that I cry out to you. I'm so tired of feeling helpless. I'm so tired of being strong, yet I know I have no choice but to soldier on.

Let me rest here for a while with You and wallow in my tears. Let me mourn who we used to be. I miss the days when I could hug and kiss him whenever I wanted. I miss making love. I miss feeling joy and being carefree with him. I miss dreaming with him. I miss not worrying about how he feels. I miss not having to watch him bear a pain I can do nothing about. I miss him not being sick.

There really isn't anyone to talk to about this because no one will understand. I don't want to talk to the parents because they will worry. I'm tired of having to update about his condition. I miss trivial conversations without feeling guilty, knowing there are bigger problems to face. I miss having small problems. I can't talk to friends without bringing them down, and besides there is nothing to say that is not just reporting about his condition. I can't talk about how sad I am. I can't talk about how I miss who we used to be. I can't talk about my fears because I'm too afraid to say them aloud.

I can only talk to You, Lord. Because You already know what's in my heart. You know my pain and my sadness. You know my sorrow. You know how desperately I want to believe in Your mercy and compassion and healing, and You know how I can't help but doubt. I am still afraid, despite Your reassurances. I am still sad, despite Your comforting presence. I can't do anything but just be here with You and cry myself out until I am ready to be strong again.

Lord please heal him. Please have mercy on us. Please give us good days. Please give us a glimpse of who we used to be. I am so tired Lord. And even if I'm tired, I know that he is more tired than I am. I feel guilty for feeling tired because I'm not the one who's sick. Whatever I feel doesn't compare to what he feels. But I know I shouldn't compare. I know that in my mind that what I feel is valid too. But I can't help pushing my feelings aside because I know that's what's needed. It's only when I'm with you that I allow myself to break down and cry and feel my pain. After I write this, I will wipe my tears and get ready for bed. It will be another day of being strong and soldiering on. It will be another day of praying for You to give me the strength I need to get everything done and take care of him.

For tonight, please let him rest, Lord. Please let him have a good night's sleep that is pain-free. Please give him the strength he needs to fight for another day. And please let me get some rest for my weary heart too.

It's me, Abi.